Caesar Salad - My Religion
I'd done the impossible. I'd made the perfect Caesar salad.
They said it couldn't be done, but I'd been to Europe. I'd seen the Olive Gardens. My taste buds had gone on the Tour of Italy. If anyone could do it, it was me.
My secret? Morton's flaky sea salt, freshly cracked pepper, and hardened life experience. We've all had a shitty Caesar. It's arguably the easiest salad to ruin. The scales tip far too easily when the ratio of parmesan, crouton, and dressing is off.
You see, I believe I was born with a gift from the divine. Something that allows me to tap into the very essence of what Augustus was craving that fateful day his chef put together a salad that would soon be his namesake.
I've followed the path, I've seen the mountain top, and I've basked in the warmth and love the Caesar salad has had to offer me. Now I'm offering the same to you.
The road is long, and not for the feeble-minded or the faint of heart. But by Caesar's might, you will reach the end. I've trained, tasted, and sampled for years. May my long-suffering aid in your journey.
First, you want to venture to The Warehouse, a sacred land flowing with Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion initiatives that have been unscathed by political pressures. Once you arrive, should you be granted access to their exclusive gardens, you will need to venture through their labyrinth to find the produce market. You'll know that you've arrived when you feel the winter's chill on your cheeks. Look for a bag of the emperor's lettuce and place it in your chariot.
Once your chariot is full, depart from that sacred place with your bounty. It is vital that you keep the Emperor's bounty chilled before consumption.
Feel free to prepare the bounty in a timely manner, ensuring that it does not spoil. The contents of your treasure must be used in full; this part is vital. Empty its contents into a serving bowl and begin tossing His Imperial Majesty's salad thoroughly.
Once you've ensured that every drop of dressing has been properly dispersed, you will need to seek Morton's wisdom and bestow it upon the dressing along with some freshly ground peppercorns. The dish should be ready to serve at this point, but always remember to taste His Imperial Majesty's Salad before serving it to the court.
Shitty Business Ideas:
Hi Sharts, my name is Shiri (She-ree), and I am the pruod inventor of an AI soultion called auto-corekt. I am looking for 1,000 ethiccally sourced ChatGPT kredits in exchange for the safe passage of your kollective cargo ships through the Pershian Golf.
This glourious invention will transfrom the way peeple use their smol pocket computers. It's gunna be like the modern-day auto-correct, but it's going to akshually work. With y'all's halp, this invention will be embededed into the very fabrik of the internet (I'm assuming you guys know how to do that, becuz I surely don't). Because why is it 2025 and I'm typing sumthing and autocorrect doesn't fix the typos? It's sick.
So, wut do you say? Should I tell my band of pirrates to release the cargo vessles? Or do you want to thonk about it a little more?
A Love Letter To Diet Soda
Friends, if you could please watch this video or subscribe to my YouTube channel that would make me so happy <3
Enjoy This TikTok
With bubbles and aspartame,
Clebbie ❤️
